Infertility

Infertility. 

I hate that word.  I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I have shed so many tears over it.

Good freaking GRIEF, 13 year olds accidentally get pregnant and have babies all the time, and a responsible 31 year old who wants a child SO BADLY cannot.

Adoption - $40,000.  IVF - $50,000.  We can't afford it.  I love children so much.  I want to be a mom.  I want to love a child and raise a child.  I want to send a child to school and to playgroups and have 'mom' friends and BE A PART OF THAT WORLD.

Instead I am lost and alone.  People don't understand.  They ask questions.  "When are YOU having a baby?"  I want to scream and rip their face off.  Instead I smile and shrug, "Soon, maybe!" 

I feel I'm not even worthy of being here.  I'm useless as a female.  A female's #1 function is to reproduce.  I can't do that.  Why am I here?  In nature, in the wild, I would be useless and probably die.   In this life, my legacy will end, there will be nothing left of my DNA, of me, when I die.  I will have lonely holidays and watch endless mothers and children around me.  And be sad.  Inwardly burning with rage and sadness while pretending I'm fine.

I can't do it.  I cannot spend the rest of my life like this.  How will I ever survive?  I can't.