Challenge Day

Saturdays are my challenge days.  No calorie counting.  No worry about a balanced diet.  Eat good, hearty WHAT I WANT meals.  And because I've set these days up, I usually can get through them enjoying them and not feeling guilty.  Since I've already given myself the 'excuse' to 'cheat' on my diet (not that I'm supposed to be dieting).  By diet I mean my rigid calorie-counting of exactly 2,000 calories a day, or 1,500 if I don't workout.

Well it's 4pm, and I'm struggling mentally so bad.  I hate hate hate myself.  At an outdoor party.  1pm, I eat a large chicken sandwich on ciabatta bread with garlic butter spread.  Grapes.  And a large amount of olive-oil roasted veggies.

GUILT GUILT GUILT.

Butter spread.  Olive oil. 

Why is this so HARD?!?!?  This is my CHALLENGE DAY GOSH DARN IT I'M ALLOWED TO EAT WHATEVER I WANT.  I hate hate hate hate HATE HATE HATE ED (Eating Disorder).  I'm supposed to be having fun and be free and instead I'm grabbing at the fat around my waist.  I feel like a fat loser.  I am no better than anyone, I am not clean and thin and pure.  I am gross.

I cannot win.  I starve for years and now am infertile.  I gain weight and am still infertile.  But now instead of clean and pure and THIN and infertile, I am gross and out of control and fat and infertile.

And I have a broken rib.

Thin fun athletic me = gone.

Fat, lazy, me = here.

I'm so mad I can't enjoy myself.  It's not FAIR.  NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR.  I did not ASK for this.

Call me a baby for not trying to fight it.  I DO try to fight it darn it.  I try so hard and it is so strong.  It's LOSE LOSE.  I fight it by eating challenge foods and then the reward?  Guilt and grossness.

I want to go to sleep and wake up empty and pure.