Adoption

We'll never be able to afford adoption.  Never.  Save $50,000 to have it gone in a second and then STILL have all the expenses of raising a child.

It's just not possible.

Neither is natural childbirth.

I'm going to die old and alone and unfulfilled.

Nutritionist Tomorrow

I have a nutritionalist appointment tomorrow. 

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

I saw a nutritionalist when I first gained from my 75 pounds to a healthy 95 pounds.  I used the exchange system.  That was awesome because I didn't have to count calories, but I still had to measure and plan and sometimes I felt restricted - if I was hungry for an apple, but had protein exchanges left, I couldn't eat my apple and had to eat lunchmeat or something instead.

Then I lost 10 pounds when we moved and stuff.  Then when I decided I wanted to have kids, I gained to 95 again.  This time counting calories.  Eating exactly 2000-2500 calories a day.  But eat what I want, not having to worry about exchanges. 

I'm kind of embarrassed to tell her what I eat though.  Well, not WHAT I eat.  But how it's balanced out.

Breakfast - 400 calories - all fruit/yogurt/little cereal
Lunch - 500 calories - all veg/fruit/lunchmeat/almonds
Dinner - 1000 calories (I know).  Normal dinner (meat/veg/potato) and then a bowl of snack fun (pretzels, cereal, fruit, protein bar, vitatop).  That bowl is WITH the dinner, not later after.

So I totally am heavy the end of my day, not only on food, but carbs.

I've always backloaded.  When in the depths of ED, I skipped breakfast and sometimes lunch.  It makes me feel safe, that I have calories saved for later.

Yet I am always SO STUFFED at night.  TOO stuffed.  To the point of discomfort.  But I do it every single day.

She will want me to balance more.  I want to.  But I don't know if I can.

Challenge Day

Saturdays are my challenge days.  No calorie counting.  No worry about a balanced diet.  Eat good, hearty WHAT I WANT meals.  And because I've set these days up, I usually can get through them enjoying them and not feeling guilty.  Since I've already given myself the 'excuse' to 'cheat' on my diet (not that I'm supposed to be dieting).  By diet I mean my rigid calorie-counting of exactly 2,000 calories a day, or 1,500 if I don't workout.

Well it's 4pm, and I'm struggling mentally so bad.  I hate hate hate myself.  At an outdoor party.  1pm, I eat a large chicken sandwich on ciabatta bread with garlic butter spread.  Grapes.  And a large amount of olive-oil roasted veggies.

GUILT GUILT GUILT.

Butter spread.  Olive oil. 

Why is this so HARD?!?!?  This is my CHALLENGE DAY GOSH DARN IT I'M ALLOWED TO EAT WHATEVER I WANT.  I hate hate hate hate HATE HATE HATE ED (Eating Disorder).  I'm supposed to be having fun and be free and instead I'm grabbing at the fat around my waist.  I feel like a fat loser.  I am no better than anyone, I am not clean and thin and pure.  I am gross.

I cannot win.  I starve for years and now am infertile.  I gain weight and am still infertile.  But now instead of clean and pure and THIN and infertile, I am gross and out of control and fat and infertile.

And I have a broken rib.

Thin fun athletic me = gone.

Fat, lazy, me = here.

I'm so mad I can't enjoy myself.  It's not FAIR.  NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR.  I did not ASK for this.

Call me a baby for not trying to fight it.  I DO try to fight it darn it.  I try so hard and it is so strong.  It's LOSE LOSE.  I fight it by eating challenge foods and then the reward?  Guilt and grossness.

I want to go to sleep and wake up empty and pure.

Infertility

Infertility. 

I hate that word.  I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I have shed so many tears over it.

Good freaking GRIEF, 13 year olds accidentally get pregnant and have babies all the time, and a responsible 31 year old who wants a child SO BADLY cannot.

Adoption - $40,000.  IVF - $50,000.  We can't afford it.  I love children so much.  I want to be a mom.  I want to love a child and raise a child.  I want to send a child to school and to playgroups and have 'mom' friends and BE A PART OF THAT WORLD.

Instead I am lost and alone.  People don't understand.  They ask questions.  "When are YOU having a baby?"  I want to scream and rip their face off.  Instead I smile and shrug, "Soon, maybe!" 

I feel I'm not even worthy of being here.  I'm useless as a female.  A female's #1 function is to reproduce.  I can't do that.  Why am I here?  In nature, in the wild, I would be useless and probably die.   In this life, my legacy will end, there will be nothing left of my DNA, of me, when I die.  I will have lonely holidays and watch endless mothers and children around me.  And be sad.  Inwardly burning with rage and sadness while pretending I'm fine.

I can't do it.  I cannot spend the rest of my life like this.  How will I ever survive?  I can't.

Here We Are

Well here we are.

I started this blog at the request of my doctor, believe it or not.

This past year has been a rough road.  Actually, the past many years have been, but this past one has just about taken me to my breaking point.  Rather than 1) go crazy 2) get depressed 3) drive my husband crazy, I've decided to use this as an outlet.

Right now this is for me, so I don't feel the need to tell my story.  I'm just going to post what I want, when I want.  Hopefully this, along with my faith in God and my family support, will see me through.